Post #2 · #posts #self-evaluation #thoughts #stream-of-consciousness #intelligence #Übermensch
Well, I created this blog because I wanted to say something, but truth be told, I do not really know what it is that I want to say. I am only trying to figure out life as I continue living it. First, I need to figure out where to start; it's like trying to find the loose end of a woollen thread in a huge mess of it. I tried to write on different topics such as freedom, intelligence, empathy, the meaning of life, etc., but to be honest, all these topics are too difficult and deep for me to handle intellectually. I did think about them for a while. I tried to simplify them into sentences, but I realised my arguments were not as polished as they should be; they were incomplete. I lack the knowledge to back my arguments. I wanted to explain how intelligence is a gift and yet a burden one has to bear, how it can crush the soul, creativity, and life out of a person. Generally, we encourage children about their intelligence by complimenting them, but we never consider the harm we cause when intelligence becomes their identity. The belief that one might develop, that if I am not intelligent enough, then I am not worthy enough, is more harmful than actually not being intelligent.

The realisation of my own mediocrity was painful, a bitter pill to swallow. I grew up with the belief that "I am smart and I am destined to succeed in life." I had a picture in mind of how my life was going to turn out to be the best one. I believed I was special. But as I started to face more and more difficult problems in life, I started to fumble, first with my academics and then in life. I could no longer memorise the complex mathematical formulas to solve equations, nor could I grasp the physics and chemistry in my class. This was a blow to me, but I did not heed it; I did not work hard to actually understand the subjects rather than trying to memorise them. Until this time, I did not know my intelligence was a lie, but I had given up on being academically great. I shifted my belief to the idea that I am better at practical matters than theory. I was quick with temporary understanding and connecting dots, but I could not put my conscious efforts into deepening my understanding. My brain worked more like RAM than an HDD.

I tried to learn many things: technology, musical instruments, philosophy, photography, and whatnot. I tried to probe deeper into why I am not really exceptional in any of them, why I am not succeeding. It turns out the reason is that I expect immediate success rather than spending more time and practice on any of these. I associate all of these with my ego, my identity; it is as if either I have it or I do not. I never consciously tried to put more efforts into one thing and master it. My ego has not dissolved into the reverence of action. I could only be the best or a master at something if I could let the practice of it prevail over the inflation of my ego. If I want to be really great at playing guitar, I should really spend hours learning guitar from masters. If I need to be really good at photography, then I should really spend hours doing photography, the same with any other art. What I lack is clarity: clarity about what I want from my life. I lack the stability of the soul. I lack the acceptance of the fact that you cannot have everything in life. I need to choose a path to be at rest rather than trying to do many things. Perhaps doing nothing could lead me to the one thing that really matters.

I need to learn to be more empathetic towards myself and towards the people around me. I need to be less ego-centric and live for others, a purpose that is not about me, one that I can truly serve without expecting first-hand returns. I need to dissolve my "self" into a greater purpose. This blog is an attempt to serve that purpose: to find that loose end of the woollen ball and free my messed-up self. Bear with me, and bear with my self-criticism and writing style, but I think it is freeing me to be a better version of myself. Perhaps a fearless beast, a rolling ball of strength and determination, an Übermensch I could be, is waking up from the ashes of the one burning now.

Regards,
Nikhil
flower

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